Everywhere & Nowher.

They never warned you about days like this: Days when hell makes a home in your chest.

Somedays, you’ll swear you feel roses blooming from the most miserable parts of you; you lie in the sunlight like the rays will go through you and shine in those dark crevices. You’re good.

Then a day like this comes once in a blue moon or perhaps almost every other day. You feel a fire ignite in you. A fire from hell that cannot be contained, and before you know it, all those roses burn to ashes.

You’re left shaking with the absence.

I found myself in this grey area. I seem to continuously disappoint myself. I felt distracted. I felt out of it. 

I begin to ask questions - why do I feel so dumb, and why do I keep sabotaging myself when this was never me?

The answers:

I manage a lot - businesses, exploring my identity, reflecting spiritually, and trying to be present for everyone. That’s a lot. I’ve realized that my mind may not be able to keep juggling all of that, and I’ve begun to disassociate instead of slowing down. I just feel off.

The last few years, I’ve also been unlearning patterns and expectations, so my motivation and clarity are also on the fringe. When I had recently seen clarity. I suppose that’s how life works, though. It’s a fucking vicious cycle. So I asked myself, ‘What part of me is emerging?’ Perhaps that same question can help you, too. 

My life would look like my laptop now with a million tabs open - a lot of dreams, projects, relationships, and healing. But all of that scattered energy means I’m never truly quite present. 

I am everywhere and nowhere.

Disappointment in oneself is much more than the superficial things. I am changing. I am hiding deeper feelings - perhaps grief, sadness, anger, or fear. Right now, it feels like all of the above.

‘What am I not letting myself feel right now?’

But change can be chaotic, and what’s clear to me is that I am still showing up, still asking questions, still caring. That’s not failure. That’s the courage to evolve.

& you get past it - that’s the beauty of it.